Friday, June 19, 2009

Business As Usual

A typical day (i.e. today):

Wake up, turn on the coffee. The filter promptly falls over and fills the coffee pot with grounds (which I find later during my first cup of coffee.) Grab two donut stix to kick-start my (sic) metabolism for the day. Try to check email and computer needs to be rebooted yet again.

Go the to kitchen, wash the dishes from last night, grab a cup of coffee which now contains all of the fiber from the coffee beans that I could possibly require for the day. After cleaning up the coffee/grounds on the floor and counter where I spit it when I discovered solids in my morning beverage I vacuumed the carpets. It seems that Bob (the latest addition to the family) considers anyone vacuuming as fair game for shredding practice. I surmised this from the fact that before I was done with my inside chores he had removed everything below the ankle on my left foot, including the skin that I have so carefully cultivated over the past 48 years.

After applying the tourniquet to staunch the flow of blood I hobbled to the dungeon (also known as the computer room) to answer my cell phone which was ringing non-stop. Amanda was reminding me to get the tarp from the front yard where she made me put it during the thunderstorm the day before. (Don't ask... just go with it.) This was something I was going to do anyway as soon as I didn't feel faint from the loss of blood, but I appreciated the fact that she called to make sure I was doing my job properly.

My next few hours were spent unpacking boxes, of which we have many. The boxes that I was unpacking were some of my own. I was arranging my tools and equipment out in the doghouse.....errrrr.... shed. I was originally going to get a spot in the garage (which wouldn't require going into the weather to get to my tools and equipment) but that was vetoed by the fact that every available space in the garage is taken up by boxes and boxes and boxes. And did I mention boxes? So anyway, I made myself a second home in the shed. On the bright side- since there isn't any air-conditioning in the shed I lose about 2 pounds of water weight for every hour spent out there:)

At this point I was really craving a cigarette... so I braved the treadmill. Now remember, this is the first time I've done any running in the last year and a half. I was doing pretty good. I had that thing up to 6 miles per hour, comfortable pace, no worries breathing, and thinking: Hey! This isn't so bad....

That's when I made my second mistake. The first mistake was not holding the little string which was tied to the key that stops the machine if you fall too far back or pull it out. The second mistake was trying to look at the TV at an acute angle to the right while I was running 6 miles per hour on a machine that doesn't automatically slow down so that you can stabilize your balance. And running at that speed while looking to one side just isn't that intuitive. The mind rebelled, the feet stepped wrong, and the treadmill didn't slow down even though I did.

I really am a dumbass. You see, I have the back of the treadmill against a wall. So when I fell and failed to take the little key that stops the machine with me, I was balled up against the wall while the treadmill continued on and rolled me like a towel in the dryer. NOT as fun as it might sound.

So after 15 minutes of running, 3 minutes of tumble-drying, and several more minutes of wailing in pain I look at the display and learned that I burned a whopping 50 calories from fat. In dieters terms? That means that I am allowed to have a Hershey's Kiss, assuming I don't want to just leave those calories off of my body.

You know, cigarettes as a form of dieting don't sound all that bad.

Just saying.

1 comment:

  1. Sweetie? Uhm, the little clippie thing is there for a REASON... like so you don't nearly kill your ass when you slip and fall.

    Just sayin'.