Hobbies

I think everyone should have hobbies.

Two mornings ago I was grabbing a bite to eat before I left for a night shift at work. Keep in mind that I time my departures just so in order to be to work at the appropriate time. I placed a bowl of (excellent) chili that Amanda had cooked the day before into the microwave and set the time. I then began to fill my thermos with coffee when all of a sudden a great gray ball came flying into the kitchen through one door, leaped onto the counter (knocking down three containers of animal treats), flew six feet from there and landed spread-eagled on the kitchen table, slid across the table, hit the window, landed on the floor and leaped through the other door.

Not unusual except that there was an open bag of chips, two diet cokes with one sip missing, a candle, and several dozen individually wrapped candies on the table.

Until the cat cleared off everything but the two cokes. Against the laws of physics, the cokes remained lying on the table gently emptying their contents across the top of it as they spun in slow and lazy circles in order to cover maximum surface area with soda. Not too bad until except that the table is an older style with minute cracks between the boards that make up the top of it.

So I spent the next 20 minutes cleaning off the table, clearing the mess of candies and coke-soaked chips from the floor, and mopping it all up.

I wish it had been an off day. I would have spent the remainder of my time hunting the cat down and shaving him.... with a dull pocket knife.

As it is, he's given me an idea for my next hobby- "Cat in a Bottle". A bottle with a very small opening. One piece at a time.

Not sure where I went wrong...

I'm not sure where I went wrong. Perhaps it was the great idea to become a choreboy in the first place:)

Anyway, the way it usually works at home: I wash dishes before I leave for work, when I get in from work, and any time after Amanda cooks and I'm at home. That doesn't leave a lot unwashed at any point in time, but I really must give Amanda kudos: If I'm not home and she cooks, she almost always washes the dishes she uses to cook.

Now that usually leaves the plates, silverware, cups, and any pots containing food that have to be cleaned up after dinner. It's really not bad and I don't mind.

A couple of nights ago I happened to be washing dishes when she didn't have an opportunity to get to them before I got home and let me tell you- she used every single cooking utensil in the house to make a simple meal. And when I say all of them, I mean ALL of them. Three sets of tongs, 9 large spoons, two large roast forks, several knives, three cutting boards and a cutting "place-mat", 5 spatulas, two ladles, 3 burger flippers, three wire whisks, and an assortment of other miscellaneous items that are kept in the utensil drawer. Oh, and let's not forget all three measuring cups and every measuring spoon in the house.

I was simply amazed and astounded.

Good thing we had toast with butter on it for dinner. I'd hate to see what it would take to make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches;)

Hints for the "younger" crowd...

Ok, so you're newly married or perhaps even just reaching the stage where you would consider marriage. There is a rite-of-passage that every initiate to relationships must experience- Mastering the Apology.

It doesn't matter if you've done something wrong. You, as a man, need to understand that even if you're 100% right, you're never right. Ever.

Here are a few tips to make your passage a successful one:

1- Always say "I'm sorry I upset you" and NEVER give specifics concerning what you're sorry about. You probably don't have a clue what set her off in the first place, and it will only give her something else to be upset about when you're ultimately wrong about what caused the situation to begin with.

2- Be sincere in your apology EVEN IF YOU'RE RIGHT! Remember, you're never right.

3- It doesn't matter if you caused the problem or not, you must apologize for the mistakes of others since you will suffer the consequences in any case.

4- Never say "It won't happen again" because it will. Remember: You're never right. Instead, use "I'll do my best to see that it doesn't happen again".

5- Above all else never, ever, ever, ever ask "What did I do?". You're supposed to know what you did since you did it and all males are mystically born with the ability to read minds anyway. Saying "What did I do?" only opens the door to an entirely different set of woes that even the veteran apologist has difficulty dealing with.

6- Once the apology is accepted LET IT GO. I personally know of many cases where men have gone absolutely insane trying to figure out what the hell they apologized for.

One last thing.... if you follow these steps and still don't get it right?

I'm sorry;)

The benefits of chocolate...

Today I was having a really hectic day at work. Things were going well, but it was busy busy busy! Then about 4pm one of my closing employees called in. At 5pm two more failed to show up. That left the shift with only three people and the Manager in Charge which was just not feasible. And when all efforts to find replacements failed I started to get really steamed.

So I sent someone over to the store next door and had them pick up Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, Hershey's Chocolate bars, and Almond Joy coconut bars. When the booty arrived, I dove into the Reese's and promptly consumed an 8 pack of them. That's when I realized.... it's almost impossible to be angry when you're eating chocolate!

Either you stay angry and don't have any chocolate, or you enjoy the chocolate and get a brief respite from the anger. It's amazing! Give the theory a test run and let me know the results. I think that you'll agree with me:)

On a side note: Two younger children singing along to MP3 players (that Santa left in their stockings) at the same time with different songs playing sounds kind of like tossing a cat into a pen full of pit bulls. Especially when they don't know all of the words.

The "Quit Smoking" saga continues...

Ok, I've been done with smoking this time around for a bit over 4 months now. I tried a week cold turkey like I did last time I quit but I became very mean and obnoxious so I decided to go with the nicotine gum to ease the transition.

I did some research (ok, I really had Amanda do it since she loves Googling things) and found that an average cigarette delivers 1mg of nicotine when smoked. The 4mg gum delivers the same amount due to loss from a less effective delivery system. The kicker here? With a cigarette you get that 1mg in about 4-5 minutes. With the gum you get it in 30 minutes. A big discrepancy, if you know what I mean. That would be like stretching your Big Mac meal over 6-7 days instead of eating it during one lunch hour.

Anyway... the gum has been doing well for the most part. The cravings are still a real bitch at times but I can pop a piece of gum and feel a bit better. After four months of the 4mg gum I've stepped down to the 2mg gum. BIG difference! I still chew the same number of pieces in a day, but I can feel the edginess in my mood. I'm quicker with the smart-ass responses to things that normally wouldn't even cross my mental radar, and I'm less tolerant of things that would normally not bother me in any way. But I know that it's the lessening of the nicotine levels doing this, so I try to keep a lid on it until my system settles into the 2mg routine.

I'm guessing that I'll do this for about 2 months, then go a month with alternating regular gum with the 2mg pieces and then eventually move over to only regular gum. I should be able to wean myself from the nicotine without alienating everyone around me if I do it this way:)

And I don't know if this counts as a relapse, but last night I dreamed that I smoked TWO cigarettes. I could FEEL it as I inhaled and exhaled. I could FEEL the rush as the nicotine entered almost directly into the bloodstream through the lungs. Unfortunately, or may not so unfortunately, the brand I smoked in my dream was Salem. My last round with smoking was with Marlboro Lights- I haven't smoked a menthol cigarette in probably 25 years. So it wasn't as good as it could have been. But it was a cigarette, dammit!

Just a note for any of you out there that have quit and may be considering picking up the habit again: The second time quitting is exponentially more difficult and miserable than the first. Just leave it alone, it really isn't all that.

ru @ hm?

For the record, I'm fairly tech-savvy. I can rip apart a computer and rebuild it with the lights off, I can install RAM, cards, drives, operating systems, etc. I use a Palm Treo as my primary phone and while it's not the latest in phones it's equivalent to a Blackberry for the most part. I'd be lost without it and due to experience I keep everything for my phone backed up on a removable storage drive on the home computer so that if I have to change phones again I can simply load it via USB cable back onto my new phone.

I added texting to my phone plan for two reasons- the kids will *always* answer a text even when they won't answer the phone, and my boss is a text-maniac. With those things in mind I really don't understand why people insist on carrying entire conversations on in text messaging instead of simply calling. I don't keep my phone on my side unless I'm out in public. And if I'm out in public I usually don't have time to stop and text a conversation with someone. So any communication of significance that I am forced to carry on via text usually takes several hours, when a simple phone call would take all of two minutes.

Add to that the fact that I'm a stickler when it comes to writing out words. I can't stand the texting shorthand that is so prevalent. It's difficult enough to convey innuendos, emotions and insinuations via written word without having the added "lack of vowels" to the menu. Guess I'm just "old fashioned" in that respect:)

Merry Christmas to you!

For those of you not used to reading complete words:

Mry Xmas 2u!

The joys of Christmas with a house full of *&$)(&%#@$%^ cats...

We brought home the Christmas tree today, and even as I was tightening the screws in the stand the cats were sizing up the potential scratch pole. After a brief bout of cursing under my breath and some minor adjustments the tree was finally in place, plumbed, leveled, and perfectly perpendicular to the equatorial meridian.

Fortunately, it does not yet contain lights or ornaments.

I stepped out into the dungeon to check my email and about 10 minutes later Amanda says "Honey, look at that!" I look over to the tree and I have one cat getting prepared to meet the other two already perched on the highest point in the tree. I honestly don't see how cats that fat can manage to maintain any sort of balance on the tiny limbs at the top of the tree, but they were looking like malignant angels up there.

While Amanda is fussing at the cats to "please get out of the tree" I did what any red-blooded American male would do: I grabbed the compressed air:)

One squirt was all it took. Bob rocketed straight through the branches to the bottom and disappeared around the corner, Emily splatted herself against the far wall, slid down, and followed Bob, and Daniel decided that he really didn't WANT to climb the damned tree anyway.

I'm currently plotting to pillage the guts from one of the motion sensing Glade Air Fresheners and rigging it to spray compressed air anytime there is motion near the tree. Shouldn't be that hard to do:) Besides, it will be even worse when we add ornaments... the cat's can't resist those.